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I am who I am

Its hard sometimes... just being who you are. Your told your not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough... just fill it in. And you start to believe it. So you hide parts of yourself. The parts that seem embarrassing. The parts that people have commented on before. So, you change for them. You adapt. You become exactly who they want you to be. And your miserable.

That's me. In a nut shell. Make everyone else happy. Do what they want to do, like what they want me to like. Eat things that they like, even though I think they are gross or make me sick. Say exactly what they expect you to say, and definitely don't cause any waves. I mean seriously, heaven forbid I have my own thoughts and opinions on things. And if I do venture out, and insert one into the conversation, I'm shot down almost immediately. I can't get angry, or upset either. Because, the other person is perfect. They have done nothing wrong, so why should I have an attitude with them.

I'm so tired of it. I walk around my own house and pretend every things fine when I'm miserable because even my best friend treats me that way. Though, if you think about it, that makes her anything but a best friend. My brother understands. He sees it. And he tries to help. but there is only so much he can do when the problem is her. And she doesn't see it.

She picks fights with me when I'm at work, and then claims that the entire fight is my fault because I misinterpreted the situation. Alright, I may have but that doesn't mean that the entire fight is my fault. And to say that I'm becoming a bigger person because I apologized and took the responsibility is just plain rude.

It all started because she didn't take my feelings into consideration. So now, shes overly so. And its just annoying. But then she still gets upset with me if I happen to have other plans that I didn't okay with her. Or if I get upset with her because she blew me off yet again.

I'm tired of having to pretend like I'm someone that I'm not. Its demoralizing and frustrating and all its accomplishing is making me miserable. So, I'm done. I'm just going to be me. No more hiding when shes upset. All I know, is that I can't be who she wants me to be, because its making me crazy!!

Smile

It seems, that I forget that I have this journal more often than not. It seems, that while I at one point used this as a way to communicate with friends, its now an easy way to let the stress out. An easy way to say exactly what I'm feeling. And easy way to be who I am without judgement.

I guess, its easy to say that I don't mind getting walked on. Or that I don't mind when my best friend has no clue whats going on in my life, and yet she is sitting across the room from me. And its also easy to put on that smile, you know that one that hides all of your worries and all of your fear and doubts. Why would people want to see those? They would much rather believe that your life is perfect. That you have no problems.

But the truth is, no one is perfect. Especially not me. But that fact that over the years I have become used to plastering the smile on my face and acting like nothings wrong is sad. And the fact that most of the people that are the closest to me, can't see it is even worse.

But what do you say to them. Do you pretend that everything is fine. Do you keep the smile in place because you know that they really don't care whats bothering you. That the guy that you went out with a couple times and the just stopped calling didn't hurt you. Or that when your talking to your best friend it would be nice if she actually listened to you.

You know, in the movies when the person is standing in the middle of a crowded room and they start to scream but no one pays them any mind. That person is me. And, its my fault because I don't make people listen. I don't tell people when something is wrong. Maybe eventually I will. I guess its something I still have to work on.... just being me.

What And If...

By themselves, what and if are two relatively harmledd words, but when placed together in a sentence they can dominate your life. What if... and it continues leading to self doubt. Leading to depression. Leading to failure.

Its hard sometimes to remember that life is full of choices, and its those choices that make you who you are today. It those choices that shape the person that you have become. And its those choices that cause you to question yourself.

I'm good at questioning myself. Doubting myself. What if I'm not good enough. What if I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. And the list goes on. Its been drilled in my head for so many years that who I am isn't enough tha I can't help but wonder sometimes if its true. Am I really as bad as I have been made out to be.

And its because of these thoughts. These ideas that have been ingrained in my head since I was a little girl, that I am the way that I am. In the times when I needed something or someone it was easiest to turn to food. It was there for me. It never told me I was fat, or not good enough. It was simply there and it made me feel better. And while it wasn't the best option, it was always the only option.

When your an emotional eater though, you make up any reason to need the cake, or the ice cream. You wonder why it is that you can sit down and eat half a pizza by yourself and then when you get on the scale at night you want to cry because it simply keeps going up. No matter what you do it keeps going in. And those feelings on inadequacy don't go away. They are still their. And making you do it again. So you sneak the cheesecake into the house, and don't tell anyone. Or the cookie dough. Who is going to know and if they don't know its not going to hurt them.

But it hurts you. Whether you realize it or not it hurts you. It took me a long time to realise that while my youth was trauma free, it was not stress free. Most obese people have something happen to them as a child. A family member dies. Something traumatic. I didn't, but I'm still obese. And it took me a long time to realise that it was because I felt as if I wasn't good enough. And if I wasn't good enough fo rme then there was no way that I was good enough for someone else.

But how do you change once you have figured this out. I can tell you its not easy. There are still plenty of times when I want the cake instead of the banana. When instead of getting a salad, I order the cheeseburger and eat the fries that come with it. Its not easy. When food has been their for you its hard to completely cut it out. So, you have to change your ways of looking at food. Eat the banana's and the greek yoghurts. Eat salad, and vegetables and lots of fruits. But if you really want that cheeseburger. Eat it. Your not going to be perfect. You have to give in to the cravings sometimes. Just try to make those cravings a small portion. Instead of buying an entire cake, buy a piece and split it with someone. And don't punish yourself for the cheating that you think your doing. Everyone is aloud some cheats.

It still hard, when I think about eating I instantly go for the fatty crap that I've always eaten. You know, the pre-packaged grabbage that has a shelf life of 15 years. Come on now. How can that be good for you. But what you have to realise, is that making a simple swap, eating the apple instead of the fruit filled apple pie is going to make you feel better. And because you feel better you going to be happier.

Happieness is something that I have struggled with my entire life. And now that I'm finding it. Now that I'm changing the way I think about things. The only time I use what if is in terms of food. And trust me, that makes it all the better...

Finally Finding Me...

Its wierd... I hit this instead of my facebook, and just felt this desire to write in here. I never write in this. It never seams to matter. But I guess thats because I'm a different person now. I'm happier. Not completely happy but happier.

So, we moved again. Big shock I know. And it was right around Christmas again. To be exact we moved on December 23rd!! I know how crazy are we. But it was great having friends who were willing to help that close to Christmas. And I couldn't be happier living where I am living. Cause you see, Josh bought a house. And Alisha and I live with him now. Its great having my brother around. I missed him. And living in this house with him is fantastic!! :)

So, I've lost 25 lbs since August. And it makes me feel fantastic!! I fit in to my bridesmaids dress yesterdat which was my primary goal. Now its getting skinnier for when we go to Florida. We are supposed to go in October but it keeps changing so who knows when we are actually going.

As for that Bridesmaids dress. Jenna got married yesterday!! She looked so pretty and so happy. And it makes me realize that I'm still missing a huge portion of my life. Not that I didn't already know. Hannah got married on the 8th and we have another wedding to go to in June!! Brett and Kim are gettng married! Yay!! But it reminds me that I'm still alone. And it doesn't get any better than that.

I'm working on it thought. I kinda like this guy that I work with. I was gonna say boy, and he kinda is seeings how he's 19. I'm trying to think positively about it though. People tell me all the time that I should tell him. Just tell him how I feel but somethings holding me back. Partially that hes so young but mostly that I'm still so afraid of rejection. I still weight a lot. Well okay. Not alot. But more than I should. And I know I'm working on it. And I'm defineately happier than I have been in a long time. But I still need to work on it. And until then. I think I just need to work on being comfortable being me. And its coming. I'm getting better and its nice to learn things about myself that I never new was possible. I'm stronger than I thought I was. Its like I'm waiking up for the first time. And it still needs work but I'm finally getting their.

Well, I guess thats it for now.
SO last time I wrote, I desided that I was good put myself out their. I was gonna try and talk to the person that I thought would make me happy and you know what I got in responce... nothing. How sad it that. I try to see if I can talk to someone I depended on a while back and I get nothing for it. I guess I just can't help but feel bad at the fact that I lost this amazing guy and I can't blame it one anyone but myself. And trust me I would love to blame it all on someone else. But I can't. This ones all on me. But, you have to move on and so I will.

Its hard to believe that this year I'm going to be 24. I keep thinking that at any moment adult hood is going to hit me and it just doesn't. I feel like things change, but they always change. Each day is a new and different experience and each day I am a different person because of the day before.

I love having a live journal. Hardly any of my friends know that this exists and the ones that do don't read it cause I never post. But, its a good way for me to vent all of my frustrations without getting people angry. And without making them public, like they would be on my myspace or facebook.

So, I've desided to do something to better myself. I'm finally getting off of my ass and working on losing wieght. Lets see how long it lasts this time. I can't say I've lost anything yet because I only step on the scale on Mondays but I think you can kinda tell. I can when I get dressed each morning and it makes me feel better about myself. I haven't truly felt good about myself in a really long time and I think thats what started it. Well, that and all the skinny girls walking around looking so happy with their boyfriends while I'm stuck sitting home on a Saturday night reading a book on my futon hoping a friend has nothing to do and will call and ask if I want to hang out. Its lame really. But thats why I want to change and thats why I will change. So far I feel like its going well but the tell tale sign will be Monday morning when it comes time to step on that scale again.

I guess I've ranted and raved enough tonight. Tomorrow I'm headed out with Alisha then who knows what after that. Prolly the homework I talked about doing all week but never did. lol! Talk to Ya'll later.

The First Step

So, today I did some thinking. Enough to realize that what I'm doing isn't working. I'm still not happy. I know what your thinking, "She's Never Happy". And thats not really true. I was happy just before I left for North Carolina. The problem is, I'm trying to pretend like nothing has changed since then. That I am still the same person, that my friends are still the same people. Its just not true. I've been over this with myself several times. I know I am nothing like I was in August of 2006. Heck, I'm not even the same person I was in May of 2007. I've lived through more. I've experienced more things. I've met more people. I've been me. And putting myself in the situations that made the old me happy, is not what is going to make the new me happy.

Now, any of you who read my blog on my myspace know that I regret not truly getting to know a certain individual before I moved to NC. And thats still true today. My problem is, I'm afraid to make the move. To send an email (seeings how they never gave me their phone number). I'm afraid to reach out like they did over a year ago. And now my problem is, what if its to late. What if I let me bias beliefs push me away from something, and someone that I really needed at that moment. What if I still need them, and how will I know.

I'm tired of all this what if speculation. But what I'm the most tired of is asking myself, what if I had done all this. Would I be happy. Would I have not moved. Would I know what it is I want. I'm done trying to answer those questions and I'm through trying to understand what would have happened if I had done something differently in the past. I need to live in the present.

Thats why tonight, I email him. Nothing much, just a hello. How are you. Type email. Letting him know I was back in CT and I wanted to talk. Nothing major, just talk because the truth is, I've missed him. More than I care to addmitt. So thats my truth for now, I made the first move. I put myself out their, now its time to see what will happen. For now, all I know is that I've taken my first true step to being happy and it feels great.

Its My Choice

Man, its been a while since I wrote in this, and I have no idea why. A whole lot has happened. A whole lot has changed and their is really no good reason as to why I haven't bothered to up date. So I guess today is better late than never.

So, I moved home to CT. Yes, thats right, I live in Connecticut again and their are days when I wonder why. I love Connecticut. The leaves are already starting to change, the weather is starting to cool and I'm with most of my friends but I feel like I don't belong here anymore. I know thats crazy and all of my friends would tell me that its just how I feel. Maybe I grew up more in North Carolina that I thought I did. I know I'm not the same person that I was in August of 2006 when I moved their but how could I be. I lived through to much and I loved every single minute of it!! I think a lot of it is that I miss North Carolina, I miss Charlotte and most of all I miss my friends. Especially Brittany! I think I became to Southern for my own good.

Now, I've been back since May and I still haven't tracked down the one person I wish I had bothered to spend more time with. He was an amazing person and I didn't bother to get to know him to well because of his beliefs and that was dumb. It was all dumb. I know that now, but of course hind sight is always 20 20. Yet, though I know this. Though I want to contact him. I'm scared and I don't know if he wants to here from me. Heck, I don't even know if he remembers me.

Right now, I just want to be happy. I'm not but I want to be and I'm working at it. I guess thats how I see it. I'm working on loosing weight, and I'm making progress in the correct direction but I'm not their yet. What I have figured out is that its my choice if I'm happy or not, and as of right now I'm making it the former.

Survey... or Putting Of Homework

[basics]
Name: Hillary
Do you like it: Its Original if Nothing Else
Nicknames: Hill, Bill, Hillara, Magua, Hilly, Hillary Banks, B to the Banks, and maybe a few more
Screen names: HillBill3831
Birthday: December 26th, 1984
Sign: Capricorn
Location: Charlotte, NC
Crush: He's in my PR writing class
Virgin: yup
Natural hair color: dirty blonde
Current hair color: brown, I'm so original
Eye color: Brown
Height: 5'5"
Birthplace: Putnam
Shoe size: 8

[ family ]
Parents: Joe and Cynthia
Siblings: Josh
Live with: By myself
Favorite relative: My brother

[ favorites ]
Number: 19 and 83
Color: Red
Day: Sunday, cause thats when Racing is on!!
Month: JULY!! MY RACE!! HELL YEAH!!
Song: The Road I'm On by Three Doors Down
Movie: Rudy
Food: Meatball Grinders
Band: Three Doors Down
Season: Racing
Sport: Racing
Class: Anything Communications.
Drink: Milk
Veggie: Carrots
TV Show: One Tree Hill, Bones and Grey's Anatomy
Radio Station: I think it's 138 or something. I have Sirius.
Store:Old Navy
Word: Y'all
Animal: Prolly a Dog
Flower: White Tulip
State: Connecticut

[ this or that ]
Me/You: You
Coke/pepsi:Diet Coke
Day/night: Day
Aol/aim: aim
Cd/cassette: CD
Dvd/vhs: DVD
Jeans/khakis: Jeans
Car/truck: Car
Tall/short: Tall
Lunch/dinner: Lunch
NSYNC/BSB: NSYNC, hence my dogs name... JC
Britney/Christina: Christina
Gap/Old Navy: Old Navy
Lipstick/Lipgloss: Lipgloss
Silver/Gold: Silver
Alcohol/Weed: Alcohol

[ the past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past?:Always wanting to fit in. I finally figured out that fitting in with everyone is not as important as being yourself.
Last thing you heard: TV
Last thing you saw: The computer screen
Last thing you said: Shit!! The dryer was broken
Who is the last person you saw: Amy, we were at work
Who is the last person you kissed:Prolly my dad
Who is the last person you hugged:No idea
Who is the last person you fought with:ummm... I haven't fought with anyone in a while
Who is the last person you were on the phone with: Jenna!!
What is the last TV show you saw: The Cup Race on NOW.
What is the last song you heard: Not Ready to make nice

[ the present ]
What are you wearing: sweat pants and a tank top
What are you doing: Nohting
Who are you talking to: No one
What song are you listening to: I have the tv on, no music at the moment
Are you online: Yup
How are you feeling: Tired
Are you in a chatroom: Nope

[ future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: Monday
What are you going to do after this: Homework
Who are you going to talk to: Prolly Jenna
Where will you be in 25 years: No idea.

[ have you ever ]
Drank: yes
Smoked: nope
Had sex: nope
Stolen: nope
Done anything illegal: nope
Wanted to die: nope
Hit someone: yes
WOW, I have an entertaining life.

[ other ]
Do you write in cursive or print: Its kind of a cross between the 2.
Are you a lefty or a righty: righty
What is your sexual preference: Seeings how I have not had sex, I don't have one
What piercings do you have: one in each ear
Any tattoos: Nope
Do you drive: yes I do
Do you have glasses or braces: Had both, however do not have any at the moment
Did you like this survey: why not?
What do you most like about your body: My eyes
How many fillings do you have: one
Do you think you're good looking: ??
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking: nope
Do you look like any celebrities: nope

[ fashion ]
Do you wear a watch: every day
How many coats and jackets do you own: atleast 10
Favorite pants/skirt color: blue
Most expensive item of clothing: My winter coat cost like $100
Most treasured: My racing stuff
What kind of shoes: Sneakers

[Goth]
Do you wear black eyeliner? nope, I use brown
How much black clothing do you own? Couple shirts and some dress pants
Do you think about death often? no
Do you want to die? no
Are you a social outcast? Not typically
Are you pale? Slightly, but its winter
Do you cut? nope
Do you like Hot topic? not usually

[Skater Punk]
Can you skateboard? no
Whats your sneakers brand? NIKE or KSwiss
Do you do stupid stuff with your friends alot? No
Are the long skater hair cuts hot? Not to me
How much do you get in trouble? Hardly Ever
Do you listen to the bands that arent considered posers? I think so
How many piercings do you have? One in each ear

[Prep]
How often do you say like? a lot
Are the A & F models hot? Yeah they are
How many purses do you have? like 6
Is lipgloss a must? yeah
How often do you wear makeup? yup
Ever had a manicure? yup, one for each prom
Rock music is bad, right? no I like Rock
Are you ever ditzy? yeah, I definately have my moments
Do you own high heels? Nope, I can't wear them
Have you ever said oh my gawsh? yeah
Are you a cheerleader? not in this lifetime

[Hippie]
Is your hair long? Not it is not
Are you a vegetarian? No
Do you own a tye dye shirt? No
Do you want peace? yeah
Do you want to save the animals? yes
Do you wear sunglasses? yes
What do you think about war? War is a horrible thing that man kind seems to have made up
Have you ever made a peace sign w/ your fingers? when I was little

[Gansta]
Are you from the ghetto? no
Do you own any bling bling? no
What do you think about dew rags? They are dumb
Do you like Rap? I listen to it
How about HipHop? Sure
Was Tupac really the greatest rapper ever? No Idea
What do you think about afros? They are cool on some people
Have you ever said Fo shizzle? No but I hear it at work all the time
How about Oh snap son? nope

[Frat]
Is life a party? I party but not all that often. I don't have time to.
How often do you get drunk? I have never been drunk
Do you care about your grades? yup
Do you need an attitude adjustment? I get cranky but I don't think it needs to be adjusted
How far have you been? Not going there...

[Emo]
How often do you cry? A lot lately
Do you have an ex? yup, a few actually
Do you have an acoustic guitar? No
Do you like soft music? Oh yeah
Do people understand you? Sometimes
Do you write your own songs? I used to try but not any more
Is your hair dyed dark? nope

[Jock]
Do you play any sports? nope, I used to play softball and I bowled
How important is your reputation? It used to be but I grew out of that stage
Do you pick on the geeky kids? nope
What do you think about football? I was in band for 4 years and I still don't get it
Are you considered a bully by anyone? I hope not

[Geek]
Do you wear glasses? no
Do you get good grades? I work hard for my good grades thank you
Are you smart? yes
Do you use an inhaler? nope
Do you stick pens and calculators in your shirt pockets? nope
Does your mom buy your clothes? no
How often are you on the computer? I go one less than I used to

Feeling Alone

Sometimes, I wonder what it is I'm doing. I'm just not happy. I think I am for a while, but I never am. I always want something different, something more. The question I'm asking is, is there anything more?

I know that life gives you twist and turns to make you a good person. To make you a better person, but I thought that I was a good person. I thought that I had gone through enough recently. Apparently I was wrong. I am apparently supposed to be on a different path as a different person.

I guess thats good though, if you don't have a reason to be here, then why are you? If you feel that there is no need to get up in the morning, then why bother?

I guess that I just wanted to have it easy for a while. I just wanted to be drama free for a while. And it was. I was debating another move, but moving is nothing big for me. I mean come on now, what was 2005 and 2006?

What I did think, was that I had found a support system that was there for me. A group of people that loved me and would be there for me no matter what. Apparently once again I was wrong. Once again, I saw what I wanted to see and not what was really there. And once again, I was the one who in the end got hurt.

You think I would have learned my lesson the other million times stuff like this has happened to me. I guess I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I don't want to believe that anyone would purposely hurt another person, especially someone who they claimed to be friends with. I am the eternal optimist. I want everything to work out. And, to be honest with you, I still want to be friends with the person that hurt me. Why, I don't know. I just do. But who knows where the future will bring us.

Taking That Step

Alright, so the hardest thing in the world to do, is often what other people feel is the easiet. Its letting go of things you care about, or realizing that the truth hurts. Its changing your mind, or changing your dream. Its moving 800 miles away from home, just to figure out that home is exactly what makes you happy. Its not the place you live in that matters. You can live anywhere and be happy. Its the people. Its the friends who stick beside you when your down, and the family who loves you no matter what. Its the realization that maybe, just maybe, your life wasn't as bad as you thought it was. Its the realization that home is truly where the heart is and mine is in Connecticut, with all the snow, and ice and other stuff I used to get so upset about. Now, with a new perspective on things, and a new found self confidence, I think its time to go home.